Attack of the Truth
by tinyfish
Summary: The population of Fox River Penitentiary gets drugged with truth serum! What will happen? A super story about Fox River and truth serum will happen!
1. Oops

It was a rough week at Fox River. An inmate's ear and pinky finger had been forcefully amputated in the showers with a sharpened pink Hello Kitty tooth brush, and they C.Os had no leads. It was then when the Pope decided to take drastic measures. A bulk order had been placed for truth serum, and was to be delivered in the morning.

"Hey Bellick!" C.O Jim shouted, "Is this the truth serum?"

"Not so loud," Bellick growled irritably, "We don't want the whole prison to know."

It was just then that C-Note and several inmates rounded the corner of the building, coming face to face with Jim, Bellick, and the super secret crate of mystery.

"Know what?" C-Note asked, raising his eyebrows suspiciously.

Bellick and Jim were at a loss for words, so they decided to shout random things and hope everyone just accepts the answers and leaves.

"We're gay lovers!" Bellick exclaimed nervously.

"We're training pandas to use walkie-talkies!" Jim contradicted.

"I write Harry Potter slashfics!" Bellick screeched.

The next few moments passed in awkward silence, only made more awkward when Jim started crying because he thought he lost the contest.

"O-kay, we don't want to know what's going on here, and were leaving now." C-Note said as him and the other inmates began to flee.

"Whew." Jim sighed in relief when the cons were out of sight, "Good acting!"

"Yeah...it was acting..." Bellick said unconvincingly.

They spent the next four hours hauling the crate of truth serum into the kitchen to be stored in the freezer along with the hamburger meat and the souls of innocents. When the last crate was in the freezer, Bellick pried it open and took a jug of the truthy-goodness.

"What are you going to do with that?" Jim inquired looking at the jug.

It was as big as a large bottle of detergent, and you could see right through the transparent solution.

"I'm just going to keep a bit for my own purposes." Bellick said, the evil smirk he got when plotting growing across his face.

"That's against the rules! The handbook says so!" Jim gasped.

"I don't care! I can't read anyways!" Bellick said angrily, snatching the jug.

"I won't let you!" Jim yelled heroically, yanking the jug away from Bellick while his cape fluttered in the now present breeze.

"I want it! It's mine!" Bellick whined while grabbing the truth serum back.

Jim and Bellick were now full-on wrestling for the jug of truth serum, each man trying to scare the other with their spider monkey-ish war cry. Jim, being stronger, smarter, faster, and actually half spider monkey quickly gained possession of the jug.

"Victory is Jim's!" The monkey-man roared.

Bellick made a quick decision and tackled Jim's knees, because the constant improper use of the third person was getting to him. Jim fell instantly, but the truth serum flew in the air. It soared right above the stove, emptying its contents in the simmering vat of mystery-poultry prison marinara sauce. Jim and Bellick stared in shock at what they had done, and hastily exited just before Trumpets entered the kitchen and began ladling sauce on the half-cooked pasta. Jim and Bellick, or Jellick, as Bellick like to ship them, then watched in horror as the disgusting truth pasta was sent out and served to hungry inmates.

Something told Jellick that this would be an i interesting /i week.


	2. Potter power!

"Hey Michael," Sucre said while eyeing the bowl of truth serum marinara with mild disgust, "I dare you to eat the artificial food."

"It smells like chemicals." Michael pointed out, "How could we be sure it isn't lethal? It could be another plot of the company's! They're trying to kill us all through undercooked prison noodles! We have to be extremely careful, and- SUCRE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Whah?" Sucre said through mouthfuls of the food. "Everyone else is eating it, they're all fine. Except One-leg Stew, he just ain't the same. Not after the brisket. It's the brisket that always gets them."

"Sucre, back to the main plot." Michael reminded him.

"Right, sorry. Have some mystery meat-pasta!"

Michael scooped up a spoonful of the strange, seemingly edible food and raised it to his lips. His heart pounding in anticipation of doom, he put the failed attempt at cooking in his mouth and swallowed it. He waited a few seconds, and then sighed in relief that the pasta was not a government scheme.

"See? It's not that bad!" Sucre said, "It's just a little- I LOVE YOU."

"What?" Michael asked, shocked.

"I dunno! Why did I just say- YOUR EYES ARE SO PRETTY, THEY MAKE HEART SHAPED MARKS ON MY SOUL!"

"What is going on with- I AM NOT REALLY DIABETIC! I AM GOING TO BREAK OUT OF THIS PRISON! I HAVE CHUCK NORRIS'S FACE SOMEWHERE IN MY TATTOO!" Michael yelled, although nobody seemed to be listening.

The prison cafeteria erupted in shouts of random, disturbing truths that nobody really needed or wanted to know. Chaos took over as guards watched, helpless to stopping the weirdness spouting from the prisoner's mouths.

"This is a hairpiece!" A random inmate yelled, wildly yanking at his locks.

"I'm a woman!" said another.

"My bologna has a first name!" Bellick squealed, temporarily forgetting himself.

"Bellick!" Jim scolded.

"Oh, right!" Bellick said embarrassedly, "Everyone back to their cells!"

The inmates eventually reached their cells, but it took a while due to the random outbursts and Bellick repeatedly losing his train of thought. It took three hours, but Bellick and Jim managed to trick the inmates into their cells through an elaborate scheme involving a disco ball, Swedish rat terriers, and two sock puppets who wanted to help T-bag with his feelings. Those puppets are currently pressing charges.

_Meanwhile, in John Abruzzi's cell:_

John was pacing back and forth, an expression of pure dread on his face.

"_Something is going on here_." John thought, "_If everyone is blurting their thoughts out, I'll just have to keep my mouth shut. I have a reputation in here. No problem, I just avoid certain people, I should be fine. I will be just FINE." _

John took several deep breaths and wrung his hands nervously. When he was finally satisfied he had his thoughts and emotions in check, it came out of nowhere. It was rising like a tidal wave and he could not stop it any longer.

Gripping the cell bars with both fists and lifting his face so all of GenPop could hear him, John Abruzzi committed prison rep suicide.

"HARRY POTTER RUUULEES!!!" John bellowed. It is true. Although it was never disclosed, John Abruzzi is a dedicated Harry Potter fan girl.

A hush fell of the prison. Even Sucre shut up for a minute. But that hush was soon broken by a new announcement.

"LORD OF THE RINGS IS BETTER!!" T-bag roared at the public.

"Frodo is Harry Potter's bitch!" John shouted back.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" T-bag screamed, a manic glow in his eyes.

"Well he is." Seth muttered quietly.

"Shuttup!" T-bag scolded, raising an arm to slap his "boi".

Suddenly, Jim and Bellick conveniently hopped into GenPop.

"Cons! P! I! TIME!" Bellick shouted; spit flying everywhere, much to everyone in the vicinity's chagrin.

"I don't wanna!" Michael whined.

"Too bad!" Bellick said in mock sympathy.

A collective moan of annoyance escaped the crew's lips as they trudged to the guard break room to break things with their muscles and sweat a lot. Although the fan girls thought it was sexy, it was a chore.


	3. The Breakup

"Alright cons, get to work!" Bellick said as he flounced out of the under-construction guard room.

"Right-o, Boss-man!" T-bag saluted.

"Yeah! Now start movin', slackers!" Bellick roared, leaping back into the room.

"Sure thing!" T-bag exclaimed.

"Bagwell! I get the last word, dammit!" Bellick sulked.

"No!"

"Don't play your little mind games with me, mister! I know about the other women, men, and fictional characters! That's right, I read your emails! I trusted you! I thought we had something special! Well, I am done!" Bellick wailed.

"Baby," T-bag pleaded, "Don't go! I thought Jerry Springer got us all worked out!"

"My Momma has been telling me to leave you from the day you chose your porn star name! And I should've listened!" Bellick blubbered.

"Now you listen here boi," T-bag said with a murderous expression, "There is _nothing_, and I mean _nothing_ wrong with the name Dr. Feelgood!"

"I hate you! I hate you! IhateyouIhateyouIhateyou! I'm leaving!" Bellick bawled.

"You walk out that door and it is over, you hear me?" T-bag warned.

And with that, Bellick ran out of the room howling like a little girl; probably off to lock himself in a bathroom to write emo poetry in his diary, Jim trying in vain to keep up with him. Meanwhile, Michael, Lincoln, Sucre, C-Note, and John were watching that exchange with their jaws on the floor.

"Hmm… T-bag is a porn star. Who would've thought it?" John mused.

"Me." Michael, Lincoln, Sucre, and C-Note said in unison.

"Hey Pretty. Guess what?" T-bag said.

"What?" Michael asked nervously. The last guessing game he had played with T-bag had ended with a four hour pitch on a new television show. It was about a young ninja named B-Tag who destroyed his enemies through the power of song. And T-bag had some of the songs already written, which he gladly demonstrated. Lucky Michael.

"I'm lookin' for a rebound" T-bag said, his mouth playing in a devilish grin.

"Oh really? Me too! How 'bout some coffee on Saturday?" Lincoln squealed, making the others look at him like he was a brain-eating pink and black striped flying zebra.

"Oh yeah. I will definitely check my planner on that one. It's a definite maybe… assuming I don't have anything better to do." T-bag said unconvincingly.

A couple moments passed, and then finally someone broke the silence.

"We should probably get back to work." John said halfheartedly.

"Dr Evil-I mean Madame Vice President! What should we do about the Fox River Situation? Inmates are shouting really weird stuff, the food is more acidic than nuclear waste, and one guard has gone completely emo! But it could just be his time of month." Agent Kellerman said urgently to The Master of Doom a.k.a Madame Vice President Caroline Reynolds while Agent Hale listened intently.

"Well we will take care of the situation obviously," Madame Vice President said, "You too will go to the prison in the morning and give the antidote to all the inmates. Then, and only then, will I be closer to world domination!"

"How do you figure that?" Kellerman asked.

"I dunno, it says in the how-to-kit to say 'world domination' at least once in every conversation." Madame Vice President explained with a shrug.

"Kit? Oh, the 'So you want to be the next leader of the free world' thing. I guess that's where the lightning and trademark royal cat of doom/mafia dealings came from." Hale said.

"Behind every evil leader, there is a royal cat of doom." Madame Vice President recited while summoning the cat.

"So how exactly do we give the inmates the antidote?" Kellerman asked.

"Just a shot in the arm." Madame Vice President said, "You are supposed to be two doctors from a local hospital who will administer the shots. They should let you in with no problem."

"Ok. At least we don't have to do anything degrading." Kellerman said in relief.

"Your names are Rhonda Farnsworth and Victoria Reilly." Madame Vice President said while evil lightning flashed outside.


	4. Undercover Fabulous

"Dr. Tancredi!" Bellick called out across the infirmary, "I need to speak with you! It's important!"

"Brad, you're a nice guy and women such as I find forty-something year old men living with their mothers _very_ attractive," Sara said hurriedly, "But I wouldn't go to Red Lobster with you if you were the last coupon bearing momma's boy in the world."

"But there's a special on popcorn shrimp!" Bellick protested.

"Ooh, shrimp?" Sara asked excitedly.

"Yep! But that's not why I'm here!" Bellick said, "You need to give approximately 300 inmates the rabies vaccine. Shipment just came in twenty minutes ago."

"Rabies?" Sara asked disgustedly, "How did that happen?"

"One of the inmates may or may not have accidentally made beef jerky out of a dead possum he found in the yard." Bellick said airily. "And then said inmate may or may not have shared the possum jerky with others, and then threw the leftovers in the giant mysterious cooking vat of doom while he was on kitchen duty."

"And I take it Haywire's back in the psych ward?"

"He says possum meat tastes just like oranges, if oranges were dead animals."

"Ah." Sara said while backing away slowly. "Well, I can start right now, I guess. Send in the first inmate."

"Can do." Bellick said, already out the door. "And before I forget, the hospital sent in two people to help administer the vaccinations. They're waiting outside."

"Oh God," Kellerman whined while adjusting his fake cleavage, "This is embarrassing."

"Come on," Hale laughed, "Don't be such a drama queen! It's not like we didn't have to dress in drag for our FBI initiation! Remember, the guy under the overpass saw us and said 'Hey! It's time for your FBI initiation! Put on this stripper-suit and EARN, bitch!' Haha wasn't that just-" Hale stopped talking immediately when he saw the look on Kellerman's face.

"Uh, Danny," Kellerman said uneasily, "What are you talking about? The FBI wouldn't make us do that."

Realization dawned on Hale's face and was quickly replaced with a look of terror.

"Oh God."

"Exactly."

The two somewhat respected agents were a sight to behold. Hale, aka Miss Rhonda Farnsworth was wearing a tight fitting black cocktail dress with a large 'Lone Star State' belt buckle on a brown leather belt encircling his waist, despite the fact that he was from Michigan. He wore diamond encrusted stilettos on his feet (where else?) and what could only be described as 'Major Bling-Blingage Fo Shizzle' on his neck in the shape of a dollar sign. And to top it all off, he had a large blonde beehive atop his cranium, complete with sparkles and adorable little clips. Kellerman, aka Miss Victoria Reilly, was a slightly less flashy dresser. He or She wore a cute blue tank top that said 'Heart Breaker' on it, completely exposing his hairy man muscle arms, and some navy sweats with 'JUICY' written on the fannie-area. His hair was a simple ponytail, but it was colored neon purple because he was going for the 'unique rebel' look. He was also wearing a huge pair of silver sparkly boots he stole from Hale. And both men wanted to go the extra mile and make their costumes more convincing. So both Kellerman and Hale had shoved misshapen bath loofas in their shirts.

"Hey there ladies." Bellick said as he approached the "ladies".

"Oh! Hi! I'm Victoria, this is Rhonda! We're her to give the rabies vaccines!" Victoria said in a high falsetto.

"Alright then ladies, follow me." Bellick said, making it a point to wink at "Rhonda" when he let them in the infirmary.

"Hello. I'm Dr. Tancredi." Sara said when the opened the door. "I've been expecting you. The vaccines are over here, you know what to do. Bellick, bring the PI crew in here. It's time for their shots."

At that, Bellick and Sara left, leaving Victoria and Rhonda alone to vaccinate the inmates. While Victoria was vaccinating his 294 inmate, and Rhonda was sleeping on one of the gurneys, her phone rang.

"Hello?" Kellerman answered.

"Hello, Kellerman. I'm afraid to say complications have risen." Madame Vice President of Doom said. "In addition to vaccinating all the inmates, you must kill Sara Tancredi and recover the sacred jewel of AzerealmethenoBobBarker. This message will self-destruct in 5…4…3…2...1!"

"OH NO!" Kellerman squealed, chucking the phone at Hale's frontal lobe.

"Ouch!" Hale shouted, bolting up from a dead sleep.

"Hehe, just kidding." Madame Vice President of Doom's disembodied voice said. Hale's forehead apparently knocked the phone on speaker. "Oh I GOT YOU GOOD! Hahaha! But seriously, you need to kill Sara Tancredi. Goodbye."

The room was silent except for the dial tone.

"That woman really needs a hobby." Hale said, rubbing the keypad mark on his forehead.

Suddenly, the PI crew followed by Bellick burst through the door.


	5. The End!

"Hey Dr. Tancredi! The last of the rabid inmates are here." Bellick shouted.

"Alright, no need to shout." Sara said while walking out of her office. "Hello everyone. I am going to be giving you the rabies vaccine so that little incident with the rabid fan girls doesn't repeat itself."

"They were everywhere! I still have the scars!" Lincoln said, still very much traumatized.

"Whiner." C-Note sing-songed.

"I thought they were nice." Sucre said with a grin.

"Any Questions?" Sara interjected quickly before fighting arose.

"SARA! Sara! Saaaaaaraaa!" Michael loudly screeched.

"Yes Michael?" Sara asked somewhat annoyed.

"Your hair smells like cinnamon!" Michael said while sniffing Sara's cranium deeply and giving a stalker-ish smile, complete with the psycho eye-twitch.

"Please respect my personal headspace." Sara said while obviously withholding the urge to smack that fool away from her noggin.

"I have a huge shampoo and conditioner fetish!" Michael shouted while inwardly damning his newfound knack of not shutting up.

"Really? So do I!" Veronica-Kellerman exclaimed.

And in Brad Bellick's mind, a slashfic was born. Oh, the thrills.

"What freaks. What do you say we get out of here?" Rhonda-Hale said to T-Bag with a wink.

"Hale!" Kellerman snapped impatiently. "We have a job to do! Pick up charming pedophiles on your own time!"

"But his hair! It's so fluffy!" Rhonda-Hale said with puppy dog eyes.

"No!" Veronica-Kellerman said sternly.

"Hater." T-Bag said while glaring at the be-wigged secret agent.

"ANYWAYS," Sara said loud enough for everyone to hear, "I was thinking we should get you guys vaccinated before I kill you all with my bare hands. Just a thought."

"Sounds good." Lincoln said quickly.

"Okay, now I want you all to sit on this couch right here, and wait your turn for your shots." Sara said, seeming pleased that the crew had the common sense to listen.

"John, come here, you're up first."

"I…ehm…don't do so well with needles, doc." John said nervously.

"Oh don't tell me Mr. Big Bad Mafia Guy is afraid of needles?" Sucre said with a smirk.

"Oh well if you think you are tougher than me, you go first." John said angrily.

"Nope."

"And why not?" John asked.

"I hate needles." said Sucre, uneasily gazing at the syringe.

"WHY is this so hard?" Sara asked bitterly to no one in particular.

"That's what she said!" T-bag shouted gleefully.

"Nice!" Lincoln said, giving T-bag a high-five.

"Alright, this is getting ridiculous!" Rhonda-Hale growled while pulling a gun from his bedazzled shirt and ripping off his wig. Hale followed suit and they were revealed as men with loofas shoved in their shirts. "Sara Tancredi, you should have been dead fifteen minutes ago!"

"Allison?" Sara asked in horror.

"What? No." Kellerman said, a little confused.

"Darlene?"

"No."

"Kurt?"

"No."

"Paul?"

"Yes!" Kellerman said like he'd won something.

"Paul Hartman?"

"Dammit! No! My name is Paul-I-am-about-to-kill-you!" Kellerman roared while cocking the gun.

"And my name is Danny, and you're my special friend!" Hale said while batting his eyelashes.

"Say goodbye, Sara." said Kellerman, and he shot her in the eye.

"OW! You got water in my eye!" Sara said accusingly while wiping her running mascara.

"She gave us water guns?!" Kellerman cried out in shock.

"Oh boy, aaaaaawkward." Hale said nervously. "Quick Paul! To the conveniently placed Super-Spy-Escape-Mobile!"

And the duo jumped 6 stories out the window onto the "Super Spy Escape Mobile", which was really just a pickup truck with the Batman symbol painted on the roof, and rode off into the sunset.

"Okay. Shall we resume vaccinations?" Sara asked, as if men with loofas in their shirts often tried to kill her.

"I wear short shorts when nobody's looking!" Michael blurted out.

"It's for the best." C-Note said, trying to block out that disturbing mental image of Michael Scofield in short shorts from his mind.

Two weeks had passed since the truth serum incident, and everything was back to normal. The birds were chirping, Tweener was weirding everyone within a ten mile radius out, and T-bag was getting stabby with anyone who made eye contact. Bellick was waiting in the hall, and finally heard someone walk up.

"Hey Jim." Bellick whispered, looking over his shoulders. "Did you get it?"

"Yeah, but, this is so illegal. What do we even do with it?" Jim whispered back looking even more nervous.

"I'll tell you later, but at break today, meet me at the kitchen. And bring the truth serum." Bellick said then hastily left.

Somewhere in Washington DC:

"Oh this is not good." Madame Vice President of Doom said while watching the events at the penitentiary transpire on her television screen. "Eh, I'll deal with it in a week or two." she said with a shrug.

Author Notes: THE END!! Thank you all for reading and reviewing, and I lurve you all for it, even if you didn't review! And here are a billion banana stickers and gold stars to thank you, but they can't express my thanks enough:)


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